Dear Baby,
I love you so much. I love looking at your long eyelashes which everyone marvels at. I love seeing how your cheeks grow bigger by the day. That's because sometimes you drink 7 ounces in a feed when the AAP suggests keeping feeds to 3.5 ounces. Your father and I worry about you getting too big.
I love smelling your baby smell. Even your rarely-washed hair smells good to me. I love stroking your soft thick hair. I love seeing all your folds. I don't even mind blowing on your bottom to dry it before diapering you. Even your poop doesn't smell that bad to me.
I love hearing your gulps as you drink. I love the way you try and suck on my nose when I put my face close to yours and you're hungry. I love the way you frantically move your head side-to-side when you're hungry.
I love the way you look when I burp you sitting on my lap. I love the little coos you make as if you were starting to talk. I love the "ohs" you make when you're satiated and quietly alert. I love your big eyes and your button nose and your perfect little lips. I love your double chin.
I love seeing you enjoy your bath. I love the way you sit in the nook of my arm when I'm feeding you. I love seeing your grandma talk to you. I love seeing your daddy hold you.
I love you.
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Monday, June 06, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Dear Abby,
Your father and I didn't have the foresight to realize that every time anyone writes you an email or note, they're going to feel like they're asking for advice. If you don't get what I just said, it's okay, you're too young, and that's a good thing.
I'm writing this on the day after your 3 week birthday. These past three weeks have been unlike any that I've experienced in my 33 years of life. They have been both hellish and magical at the same time. I hope you're not traumatized by the fact that I use the word hellish. But to be frank, it has been hard. Between being on pitocin for almost 24 hours, pushing your big head of out of my lady parts, not being able to pee or poop on my own, not getting more than a few hours of sleep at a time, sore and cracked nipples, your little toothless gummy mouth chomping on my nipples, endless pumping, endless rounds of feeding, not understanding your cries, fearing that I'm going to hurt you, fearing that I'm not doing enough, fearing that I'm not feeding you enough, fearing that I'm spoiling you, and fearing that I'm just not cut out for this, it has been a hellish three weeks.
But really I'm doing this all for you. I look at you and still can't believe that you're half me and half your daddy. I look at the way your daddy holds you and my heart wants to burst with love and tears. I hope one day I can describe how in love he is with you and how one day you're going to break his heart. He runs to your room when you cry to comfort you. Before and after feedings he'll purposely stay in your room because he can't get enough of you. He's taken and printed innumerable pictures of you. He thinks about you at work, and home, all the time. And he's been super-dad and super-mom during the moments where it's been too hard for me to handle. You are so lucky to have a daddy who loves you this much, and part of my excitement is to see the bond that grows between you.
My heart also wants to break when I hear your grandma, my mom, talk to you. Wai-po adores you like I've never seen her adore anyone else, not even your aunt Roz and I. To her, you are the most adorable, most wide-eyed, most aware and intelligent baby in the world. She'll do anything for you - take the night feeding shift, hold the monitor all day and night, stand over me while I feed to help me keep you awake. She has also been my rock during these three weeks and to be honest, I don't know where I would be and where you would be without your grandma and your daddy.
That leaves me and you. Sometimes I look down at you and just beg you not to cry. Sometimes I just want to cuddle you against my chest. I wish this storm would pass and allow me to really enjoy you. I wish I didn't give myself so much pressure to give you the best because I know you'll turn out to be wonderful no matter what I do. After all, it's not really about what I do but it's about me placing you at God's feet. No matter how much I want you to eat or sleep or behave, or who you eventually date or marry or where you go to college, ultimately I have no control and it's all in God's hands. I guess it's good that I'm learning this lesson early, but it's not easy.
You're teaching me so much. You're teaching me how selfish I am, how much I value sleep, comfort, and convenience, how I've been living for myself. But now I have you, my little peanut, who depends on my completely, and I have to give up everything for you. I still get frustrated with you when you don't do what I want - when you suckle but fall asleep. When you get restless during naps. When you poop after I've already changed your diaper countless times. I pray that God uses you to teach me patience and unconditional love. God sent his son down to die for my sins - the ultimate inconvenience - the least I can do is to sacrifice my agenda and my comfort for you.
To be honest, there have been moments where I just want to dig a hole and crawl in. Or put on my earplugs and drown you out. But I think I'm getting better. I would never ever leave you in a situation where you weren't completely protected and loved.
One day when you read this I will hopefully have gotten to a point where I feel human again, where I can call friends and feel joy in life. Until then, I lean on God's strength day by day, feeding by feeding, moment by moment, to love you, to care for you, and to give up of myself.
My little angel, this is all for you. You're only three weeks old and you teach me so much already. I love you.
Mommy
Your father and I didn't have the foresight to realize that every time anyone writes you an email or note, they're going to feel like they're asking for advice. If you don't get what I just said, it's okay, you're too young, and that's a good thing.
I'm writing this on the day after your 3 week birthday. These past three weeks have been unlike any that I've experienced in my 33 years of life. They have been both hellish and magical at the same time. I hope you're not traumatized by the fact that I use the word hellish. But to be frank, it has been hard. Between being on pitocin for almost 24 hours, pushing your big head of out of my lady parts, not being able to pee or poop on my own, not getting more than a few hours of sleep at a time, sore and cracked nipples, your little toothless gummy mouth chomping on my nipples, endless pumping, endless rounds of feeding, not understanding your cries, fearing that I'm going to hurt you, fearing that I'm not doing enough, fearing that I'm not feeding you enough, fearing that I'm spoiling you, and fearing that I'm just not cut out for this, it has been a hellish three weeks.
But really I'm doing this all for you. I look at you and still can't believe that you're half me and half your daddy. I look at the way your daddy holds you and my heart wants to burst with love and tears. I hope one day I can describe how in love he is with you and how one day you're going to break his heart. He runs to your room when you cry to comfort you. Before and after feedings he'll purposely stay in your room because he can't get enough of you. He's taken and printed innumerable pictures of you. He thinks about you at work, and home, all the time. And he's been super-dad and super-mom during the moments where it's been too hard for me to handle. You are so lucky to have a daddy who loves you this much, and part of my excitement is to see the bond that grows between you.
My heart also wants to break when I hear your grandma, my mom, talk to you. Wai-po adores you like I've never seen her adore anyone else, not even your aunt Roz and I. To her, you are the most adorable, most wide-eyed, most aware and intelligent baby in the world. She'll do anything for you - take the night feeding shift, hold the monitor all day and night, stand over me while I feed to help me keep you awake. She has also been my rock during these three weeks and to be honest, I don't know where I would be and where you would be without your grandma and your daddy.
That leaves me and you. Sometimes I look down at you and just beg you not to cry. Sometimes I just want to cuddle you against my chest. I wish this storm would pass and allow me to really enjoy you. I wish I didn't give myself so much pressure to give you the best because I know you'll turn out to be wonderful no matter what I do. After all, it's not really about what I do but it's about me placing you at God's feet. No matter how much I want you to eat or sleep or behave, or who you eventually date or marry or where you go to college, ultimately I have no control and it's all in God's hands. I guess it's good that I'm learning this lesson early, but it's not easy.
You're teaching me so much. You're teaching me how selfish I am, how much I value sleep, comfort, and convenience, how I've been living for myself. But now I have you, my little peanut, who depends on my completely, and I have to give up everything for you. I still get frustrated with you when you don't do what I want - when you suckle but fall asleep. When you get restless during naps. When you poop after I've already changed your diaper countless times. I pray that God uses you to teach me patience and unconditional love. God sent his son down to die for my sins - the ultimate inconvenience - the least I can do is to sacrifice my agenda and my comfort for you.
To be honest, there have been moments where I just want to dig a hole and crawl in. Or put on my earplugs and drown you out. But I think I'm getting better. I would never ever leave you in a situation where you weren't completely protected and loved.
One day when you read this I will hopefully have gotten to a point where I feel human again, where I can call friends and feel joy in life. Until then, I lean on God's strength day by day, feeding by feeding, moment by moment, to love you, to care for you, and to give up of myself.
My little angel, this is all for you. You're only three weeks old and you teach me so much already. I love you.
Mommy
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A list of things no one will tell you before it's too late
Here are some nuggets of gold that my mommy friends have shared with me in the past seven months.
- Some women inadvertently go #2 while delivering. There's a solution, it's called an enema. Or not eating.
- During pregnancy, parts of your belly skin may go numb.
- Constructing answers to the Vitally Important List of Questions you bring to your OB each month will require very few of her brain cells.
- Asian women almost always score on the high end of the glucose tolerance test, just because.
- Post-delivery, you will find it a relief to wear a contraption that closely resembles all of the following: underwear, icepack, depends, salami sandwich.
- While the nurse isn't looking, snag as many bottles of topical anesthetic spray as you can, and keep one in your purse in case one day you find yourself in a public place, unable to walk due to the pain.
- You may not be able go #1 afterward and will need a catheter.
- Alternately, you will not be able to control your #1 afterward and may have an accident on your husband.
- Nursing is harder than squeezing a big head out of your lady parts.
- The breastfeeding class is the most critical class for your husband to attend. And he will protest.
- Reconvening the Procedure after your recovery is more painful than the first time.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Reconvening THE Procedure
I knew I had to post about this dooce blog post when I read this part:
I hope this story SCARES THE LIVING SH!T out of some guy out there whose wife is in her third trimester. Ask yourself, buddy, just how long can YOU go without the procedure?Read on and laugh and cry.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
So Daniel and I spent about 3 hours and Babies R Us on Monday and afterwards, came home to heal by taking a nap.
The baby industry is like the bridal industry, capitalizing on suckers out there likeme Daniel who are willing to shell out good money for things like an organic mattress. We're still hoping a $400 baby mattress can do something phenomenal like strengthen brain cell development, report on the baby's body temp and breathing rate, or at the very least, levitate.
The long and the short of it is - I am caught, like I'm sure many parents are, between all of the conflicting interests guiding this massive procurement of plastic stuff made in China that my ancestors did not even imagine. I want my baby to be safe and comfortable (e.g. the aforementioned mattress) . I want things that are cute (e.g. Boon grass). I want to minimize this baby's environmental impact (e.g. Seventh Gen diapers). I want things that are convenient. I want things that my husband will actually use (e.g. bugaboo stroller) and I want things that aren't ridiculously expensive.
But how does one know when to draw the line? Do I actually need three bathtubs? (newborn, infant, AND a normal adult bath tub?) Do I actually need low/hi-flow nipples? So here are some questions I'd like to pose for all the mommies (and daddies) out there. I know some of you lurkers are dying to contribute!
The baby industry is like the bridal industry, capitalizing on suckers out there like
The long and the short of it is - I am caught, like I'm sure many parents are, between all of the conflicting interests guiding this massive procurement of plastic stuff made in China that my ancestors did not even imagine. I want my baby to be safe and comfortable (e.g. the aforementioned mattress) . I want things that are cute (e.g. Boon grass). I want to minimize this baby's environmental impact (e.g. Seventh Gen diapers). I want things that are convenient. I want things that my husband will actually use (e.g. bugaboo stroller) and I want things that aren't ridiculously expensive.
But how does one know when to draw the line? Do I actually need three bathtubs? (newborn, infant, AND a normal adult bath tub?) Do I actually need low/hi-flow nipples? So here are some questions I'd like to pose for all the mommies (and daddies) out there. I know some of you lurkers are dying to contribute!
- Diaper bag - do I really need one if all my purses are huge anyways?
- Do I need a separate newborn (puj) and infant (4moms cleanwater) bath tubs or can I use the one that's already in my house?
- Are Seventh Gen or Nature Babycare diapers worth trying? Seems like everyone uses Pampers or Huggies.
- What did you do with diaper disposal? And do I *really* need a diaper pail?
- Do I need to buy newborn clothes or should I jump straight to 3 months?
- How do you get your husband to sell his two-seater and buy a more family friendly car?
- Does anyone want to sell/lend me your unneeded baby gear in good condition, for the sake of the environment and our collective pocketbooks?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I made a big pitch at work yesterday. The details are still being ironed out, but the purpose was to make adjustments in my current position that would allow me to be spend more time at home with a new baby while maintaining a high level of performance at work.
As with all negotiations, you don't get everything you want, but you learn to give up what's not essential in order to hold onto what is. And I'm still optimistic that my boss and I will agree on an arrangement will work out well for me and for the company.
What I didn't anticipate are the emotions that came with this process. This is the first significant and tangible change I've made in my life to prepare for someone I haven't yet met (with the exception of her little feet inside my body). Sure we have the stroller and all this furniture and I've gained a lot of weight, but this is different. After all these years of b-school and the rat race, to release the reigns of something that I created and own is a bitter pill to swallow. The hubs sweetly reminded me last night that I'm just making some room for my *new* job, which is just as important and will be just as rewarding.
In any case, this experience has taught me that my identity cannot be rooted in what I do professionally, or even who I am as a mom. I hope that as I go down this journey, my self-assurance in that will be stronger.
As with all negotiations, you don't get everything you want, but you learn to give up what's not essential in order to hold onto what is. And I'm still optimistic that my boss and I will agree on an arrangement will work out well for me and for the company.
What I didn't anticipate are the emotions that came with this process. This is the first significant and tangible change I've made in my life to prepare for someone I haven't yet met (with the exception of her little feet inside my body). Sure we have the stroller and all this furniture and I've gained a lot of weight, but this is different. After all these years of b-school and the rat race, to release the reigns of something that I created and own is a bitter pill to swallow. The hubs sweetly reminded me last night that I'm just making some room for my *new* job, which is just as important and will be just as rewarding.
In any case, this experience has taught me that my identity cannot be rooted in what I do professionally, or even who I am as a mom. I hope that as I go down this journey, my self-assurance in that will be stronger.
Friday, January 07, 2011
40 ways to save time and make life with a baby easier
I'm going to file away these articles in my "how to raise a baby" section.
40 ways to save time and make life with a baby easier from Baby Center. Topics include:
* Feeding your baby
* Changing diapers
* Bathtime
* Keeping house
* Feeding the family
* Other things to remember
Advice for expectant fathers from from Dads Good:
* Skip the books but not the learning.
* Make a few dry runs to the hospital.
* Stay focused in the birthing room.
* Catch a few horror flicks ahead of time.
* Trust your gut.
40 ways to save time and make life with a baby easier from Baby Center. Topics include:
* Feeding your baby
* Changing diapers
* Bathtime
* Keeping house
* Feeding the family
* Other things to remember
Advice for expectant fathers from from Dads Good:
* Skip the books but not the learning.
* Make a few dry runs to the hospital.
* Stay focused in the birthing room.
* Catch a few horror flicks ahead of time.
* Trust your gut.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Who waits until December 23rd to decide to write and send Christmas cards? Me! Except that I tried writing the newsletter-ish message in MS Word and naturally hit a writers' block. My cure? Procrastinate via blogger.
According to my records, today I am one day into my 23rd week of pregnancy and solidly into my second trimester. This pregnancy has been relatively uneventful, for which I am *extremely* grateful. The biggest change is my sudden innate fear of being caught without food. So on any given day, one can expect to find in my purse (which tends to conveniently large): 4 clementines, a piece of challah bread, a banana, and occasionally, a partially consumed bag of flaming hot cheetos.
The other big change is that I can no longer fit into my super cute North Face winter jacket, which is much needed as it has snowed three out of the past four days this week. I am not a huge fan of pregnant lady photos, especially a la Demi Moore but I may take one over the Christmas season because one day I do want something to remind myself in the future that I never again want to be this fat without a reason.
The past couple of weeks have seen a baby buying frenzy in the Jeong household. In addition to buying a glider and crib/dresser set, the highlight for Daniel has been his new set of wheels. Look at those shocks! And miniscule turning radius! And no-flat tires!
All we need now is the actual baby.
According to my records, today I am one day into my 23rd week of pregnancy and solidly into my second trimester. This pregnancy has been relatively uneventful, for which I am *extremely* grateful. The biggest change is my sudden innate fear of being caught without food. So on any given day, one can expect to find in my purse (which tends to conveniently large): 4 clementines, a piece of challah bread, a banana, and occasionally, a partially consumed bag of flaming hot cheetos.
The other big change is that I can no longer fit into my super cute North Face winter jacket, which is much needed as it has snowed three out of the past four days this week. I am not a huge fan of pregnant lady photos, especially a la Demi Moore but I may take one over the Christmas season because one day I do want something to remind myself in the future that I never again want to be this fat without a reason.
The past couple of weeks have seen a baby buying frenzy in the Jeong household. In addition to buying a glider and crib/dresser set, the highlight for Daniel has been his new set of wheels. Look at those shocks! And miniscule turning radius! And no-flat tires!
All we need now is the actual baby.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
I'm Back.
I've been feeling some nesting instincts. This week, in addition to cooking a 4-course meal on a weeknight and spontaneously purchasing our very 1st Christmas tree ever, I've decided that I'm going to start documenting baby miletones on this blog. Primarily because I know I'm going to forget everything and secondarily because I want my kid to one day be able to dust off that old thing called the interwebs and that even older thing called blogs to see how her life started.
If this is going to be complete in any form, I have a lot to catch up on, since as of yesterday I'm exactly 1/2 way through this pregnancy. So here's a recap:
8/7/10: Conception (Don't ask me how I know that)
8/10/10: Date I was sure I wasn't pregnant due to a negative pregnancy test at the doctor's office
8/14 and 8/18/10: When I drank alcohol, not knowing that I was pregnant, for which I will always feel guilty about.
8/26 and 8/27/10: When I proceeded to take four different branded pregnancy tests because you can never tell whether that little pink line is actually a line.
And then the freakout begins.
8/31-ish/10: The official blood test at the OB confirms the good news.
9/29/10: We tell our parents, and our moms take it in the appropriate way (DJ's mom cries and my mom has to hang up b/c on a bad cell phone connection in podunk East Asia on a m-trip.
Fast forward through weeks of utter kryptonic fatigue (as my old friend Molly puts it) and absolutely no morning sickness (yes, I gloat) to...
11/19/10: The eighteen week ultrasound, performed by Albert Bundy, MD JD.
It's a girl! And she looks normal and healthy! I was in the ultrasound office for a good 45 minutes, sprinting down the hall, flipping from side-to-side, trying to get this baby to move so we could confirm that she didn't have a little wee wee. Thank you, baby, for cooperating.
and finally, this week's milestone...
12/1//10: I feel kicking. Although I've been really gassy lately so it could be that too...
More to come!
If this is going to be complete in any form, I have a lot to catch up on, since as of yesterday I'm exactly 1/2 way through this pregnancy. So here's a recap:
8/7/10: Conception (Don't ask me how I know that)
8/10/10: Date I was sure I wasn't pregnant due to a negative pregnancy test at the doctor's office
8/14 and 8/18/10: When I drank alcohol, not knowing that I was pregnant, for which I will always feel guilty about.
8/26 and 8/27/10: When I proceeded to take four different branded pregnancy tests because you can never tell whether that little pink line is actually a line.
And then the freakout begins.
8/31-ish/10: The official blood test at the OB confirms the good news.
9/29/10: We tell our parents, and our moms take it in the appropriate way (DJ's mom cries and my mom has to hang up b/c on a bad cell phone connection in podunk East Asia on a m-trip.
Fast forward through weeks of utter kryptonic fatigue (as my old friend Molly puts it) and absolutely no morning sickness (yes, I gloat) to...
11/19/10: The eighteen week ultrasound, performed by Albert Bundy, MD JD.
It's a girl! And she looks normal and healthy! I was in the ultrasound office for a good 45 minutes, sprinting down the hall, flipping from side-to-side, trying to get this baby to move so we could confirm that she didn't have a little wee wee. Thank you, baby, for cooperating.
and finally, this week's milestone...
12/1//10: I feel kicking. Although I've been really gassy lately so it could be that too...
More to come!
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