identity

It's so funny but sad, how we find our identity in things - beauty, intelligence, success, spirituality, being a lawyer, a good musician, a good wife/mother, the number of "best friends" we have, owning a home, how stylish we are...

I've fallen into the habit of measuring myself up against my friends. This is very difficult for me, seeing as I have friends who are outstanding in every way - intelligent, successful, godly, satisfied, popular. Really solid, admired people.

A good friend reminded me a while ago, which I'm now revisiting, that my sole identity should be in Christ and in knowing God. Just imagine (I'm speaking to myself now) - finding identity in Christ and nothing else means not stressing about whether or not my outfit is perfect, (it usually isn't). Means not dwelling on the fact that someone else may have more friends than me (they usually do). Means not being defined by your work. Means that there is only one prize. And that prize is Christ. My friend reminded me that it's not about comparing how many talents God has given to others, it's about recognizing the talents he has given me and being a good steward of those. And since they are not that numerous, that shouldn't be too hard, should it??

To know God and be known by God. That's it. I've lost this ideal for so long that the thought of being only accountable to God and valuing only His opinion seems so foreign and yet so liberating.

I always go back to Rich Mullins. Somehow the honest lyricism and sweet melodies go straight to the part of my heart and calm those inner demons...for now:

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HOLD ME JESUS

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

--

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace